Hans von Hozel Challenge
by Maria Chiquita
Summary: My take on the Hans von Hozel Challenge.
1. Eric Does Dallas

Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge

Week 13 For week ending: Sunday, October 9

Theme: Dallas

Eric Does Dallas

PAM – Is that you?

ERIC – Yes it's me, I'm sitting right in front of you.

PAM – Are you in this video?

ERIC – What video?

PAM – Debbie Does Dallas.

ERIC – Yes. So what's for dinner.

PAM – There's a 43 year old blond Canadian and a 19 years old Irish redhead.

ERIC - I'll take the Canadian.

Next day

PAM – I'm thinking of producing a line of porno videos called "Viking does Vermont"

ERIC - No

PAM – Why not?

ERIC – I prefer "Pam does Pittsburg"

PAM – But I don't like Pittsburg

ERIC – Exactly.

PAM – You're not nice.

ERIC – I'm vampire, I'm never nice.


	2. Hammer Pants

Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge - Week 7

Theme: Felipe's Cape

Staring – Victor and Felipe

Chapter – Hammer pants

FELIPE – Victor!... Victor!... Victor!... Victor!...

VICTOR – Yes master I'm coming.

FELIPE _(mumbles) – Good just like a bitch to its master._

VICTOR – Excuse me.

FELIPE – You're excused.

VICTOR - ? Do you want me to leave.

FELIPE – No!

VICTOR – Yes master, how may be of service.

FELIPE – I need something to wear to impress the Stackhouse female.

VICTOR – Perhaps leather chaps

FELIPE – hmm…emphasis my greatest asset.

VICTOR – Yaaaa _(rolling his eyes)_

FELIPE – I need something, something interesting. A conversation piece.

VICTOR – Perhaps a kilt.

FELIPE – No

VICTOR – A ferdora

FELIPE – No

VICTOR – A Fez

FELIPE – No

VICTOR – Cowboy boots

FELIPE – I'm going to say no to that one

VICTOR – Diamond stud for your fangs

FELIPE – Getting warmer

VICTOR – Hammer pants

FELIPE – aaaah….. I going to put that in the strong maybe pile. I need something that screams strong vampire and less Count von Count. Something that says I'm a great lover but don't call me I'll call you. I was thinking of my role model Count Chocula perhaps a widow peak?

_Victor supresses a giggle_

VICTOR – Perhaps a cape

FELIPE – hmmm I like it, I like it, Strong and Sexy

VICTOR – here master try this cap on

FELIPE – I like….but do you think it makes me look fat

_VICTOR's inner voice – someone stake me now._


	3. Know this is a Sandwich

Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge

Week 14

Theme: Time travel

Title – Know this is a Sandwich

Starring – Sookie and special guest

Ah where can I find a damn payphone around here. As I walk along the streets of New Orleans trying to find a payphone I hear a strange sound. As I turn around a strange blue box appears out of thin air, with the words Police Box – Public Box on one side of the box. The doors open and a scrawny man introduces himself. "Hello, I'm the Doctor". I'm puzzled as to what a doctor is doing in a Police Box that magically appears out of thin air. I ask him "Doctor of what?" He shrugs his shoulders and reply's "just the Doctor. We stare at each other and he jumps up and asks "What year is it and is this New Orleans?" I scratch my head wondering between the two of us who needs to check into the cocky farm. "It's 2011 and yes you are in New Orleans." He punches the air and screams "Fuck a zombie Dalek". He grabs my hand and yanks me into the strange blue box. Except the strange blue box is the size of my house inside. "What is this?" "This my friend is the Tartus and it will take us the best po'boy sandwiches ever made." "You know we could just walk there." He grins at me yes but I want one made by the source. Only Bennie or Clovis Martin make the best po'boys in New Orleans. With a switch of dial, turn of nob and a kick of the side of the control panel we end up in New Orleans 1929.


	4. Ride of the Valkyries

Eric starts to whistle Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries"

**Eric singing** - Kill Bill, Kill Bill, Kill Bill

**Sookie** – Honey, what are you singing?

**Eric** – Ride of the Valkyries, the opening passage from Act Three of _Die Walküre__._

**Sookie**_ – I don't remember that line from the opera._

**Eric** – I'm singing Elmer Fudd's rendition, you know "Be vewy vewy qwiet, I'm hunting Bill"

**Sookie** – ERIC!

**Eric** – Oh lover I love it when you scream my name.


	5. Lemonade

Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge

Week 1 For week ending: Sunday, July 17

Theme: Lemons

SOOKIE – "Why is there a 100 lemons on the counter? What are you doing, Eric?"

ERIC – "Lover, I'm making lemonade for your family reunion."

SOOKIE – "I can't serve lemonade a the party"

ERIC – "Why not?"

SOOKIE – "ERIC! They're fairies! They'll die if they drink the lemonade"

ERIC – "And your point?"


End file.
